From Single Mom Life to Army Wife

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Welcome to Me

Something Old, Something New

Do you remember when you were a kid and life was simple? Sometimes I wish it was still that way for me. As the years go by and you grow older, life gets more…

Messy. Chaotic. Confusing. Hard. Good. Exciting. Unpredictable.

These are all words I would use to describe the last 10 years of my life. I graduated from a Bible college in 2009 and shortly after got engaged to a man who I thought was the person I was supposed to be with. Notice the word “supposed.” Our relationship wasn’t perfect, and I guess when you take two people who are imperfect and have lots of unresolved issues and put them together, it becomes MESSY. We didn’t get married, and I embraced the single life.

I embraced the single life a little too much. I became one of those girls who worked her butt off so that she could party when she wasn’t working. I became that typical 22 and 23 year old girl who doesn’t seem to know who she is, but she tries to find her identity through drinking and hanging out with every guy who glances her way. My life became CHAOTIC.

I found out I was pregnant in January 2011. I was terrified, but I knew that it was time to grow up. I was 24 when I became a single mom. My daughter’s biological dad denied she could be his from the very beginning, so I was a true single mom with no other parent to raise her. It was such a CONFUSING time for me because I still wanted to have fun and still wanted to be that kid, but I was also someone’s mom.

The years have gone by since then and I still struggled with my identity. I wasn’t sure who I was or what my purpose was. I became lost and in 2013, I decided the world would be better off without me. I attempted suicide and found myself in counseling for a year and a half learning who I was and why I struggled with things. Life was incredibly HARD during that time.

Since 2013, I’ve managed to pick myself up, brush myself off, and slowly become the mom, person, and woman I was meant to be from the beginning. I embraced God’s plan for me. I got new jobs and continued to grow and appreciate the daily mundane life. I became healthy, and life became GOOD.

You never forget when your life takes you on a major roller coaster ride. You never forget when you meet someone who changes your life. I met Matt in 2018, and life has never been the same since. We spent hours messaging and talking, and I began to slowly let every wall I had up fall down. I was an independent woman who had begun to know that I did not need a man to fulfill me, but I began to feel something new that I had not felt before in my entire life. I fell in love with this amazing and incredible man who seemed so perfect for me and my daughter. It was EXCITING.

Fast forward to a few months ago. We got married, and it was awesome. I am so happy to be married, but one thing I’ve learned is that being an Army wife means your life takes a lot of twists and turns. It started in August or September when Matt told me his contract in Germany does not end until October 2021, not next year like we thought. “Okay, we’ll move to Germany” were my words. Next I heard “Don’t worry, the Army will pack your stuff.” I found out about a week ago “Okay, so the Army won’t pack your stuff.” UNPREDICTABLE.

Have you ever looked at a picture on someone’s wedding day of the “something old and something new?” It’s a beautiful picture, no matter what the something old is or how old it is, no matter how shiny the something new is. When you put something old with something new, it creates something beautiful. You appreciate the something new a little more when you look at the something old. That’s how I feel about my life. I wouldn’t be the person, woman, wife, mom, and Christian I am without my something old. God took my something old and led me to something new.

So here I sit, pouring out my life story because when you combine something old with something new, you get something….

Messy. Chaotic. Confusing. Hard. Good. Exciting. Unpredictable.

And sometimes we need to know we’re not the only ones.

Transitions and Changes

It’s been a while since I wrote, partially because I haven’t had much to write about especially lately due to everything going on and partially because I’m not really sure how to begin my Germany journey post.

I arrived here on Wednesday January 16. It has been a whirlwind since then. We spent two nights in a hotel due to the temporary furniture not being able to be delivered until that Friday. Once our furniture was delivered to our place it was time to set up our home, as much as we could.

It’s been a tough couple of months for me. A lot of my belongings were left behind with my parents, but thankfully we went out and shopped for a lot of things to help this place feel like home. We are on the top floor of an apartment building and for some reason, there is no elevator so I get plenty of exercise. We have a balcony, which is really nice and relaxing.

It was a really hard first month here. Bailey was not able to be enrolled in school because we were still waiting on command sponsorship (a fancy phrase basically meaning that Bailey and I are official dependents of Matt) and I did not have a car or my license.

February came and I was able to get my license and we got a cheap Euro spec car that is enough for me to get around. It’s a 1999 green Honda Accord, so it’s old but runs beautifully. We don’t plan on taking it back with us obviously, so we didn’t really care about anything fancy or expensive at this point. I had begun to get out a little more and felt more independent. I’m still learning how to shop at German stores, but thankfully going to the commissary provides me with some American feel and some familiarity if I need. Bailey started school in February and adjusted very well and quickly. It was great to hear all about her friends that she had made. One thing I love is that she has a special class called “Host Nation” where she gets to learn about German culture. It was fun talking about our German experiences together and what she had learned and what I had learned.

March came and with it, the unfortunate Coronavirus. For us in Europe, it meant being ahead of the US by a few weeks. School ended and restrictions put into place. Being military means a few more restrictions. My husband was supposed to be going on tour with the band and to several shows but obviously they were all canceled. It has been a transition for him as he is now home way more than he was before and no longer has the stress of preparing for shows.

Digital learning for Bailey began 4 days after her last day of regular school, which impressed me. The lesson plans have been great and the teachers provide a lot of great materials including instructional videos by them to help the students understand. It has been a lot of transitions for everybody, but especially us as we are still working through this transition of being in another country as well as the transition to becoming a full family.

We are grateful for the opportunity to all be together and are thankful we made it here before the craziness. God’s timing truly is perfect, even if we don’t always understand.

I’ll be writing a little more to help everyone through these dark times. For now, “danke” for reading!

Moving my Identity

Don’t worry, this isn’t me. This is just how I feel.

Do you remember what you wanted to be when you were little? I’m not sure I would have said “Army wife,” but that is what I have become.

I have learned over time that as you grow older, especially as a woman who becomes a wife and/or mother, you tend to lose your identity to whatever you do on a daily basis.

I’m learning more and more that this position and new life I’ve obtained means sacrificing who I was and becoming something new. As I looked at the boxes and piles of stuff, I realized that my identity has changed completely in the past couple months.

I struggle right now in the “in between.” I am living with my parents, out of bags, boxes, and piles, with no job, no idea when I will be going to Germany, although it could be just a few days or it could be a week or two.

The scariest part of becoming a mom and then most recently a wife was losing a part of myself. When you’re a wife and mom, you invest in someone else. You’re “________’s mom” or “_________’s wife.” I’m learning while being in this position how I cling to the parts of me that were me before I had these two people in my life. Oh, how I love my people. In the midst of trying to decide whether a mermaid tail blanket was a necessity for my daughter, I asked myself “What has my life become? What have I become?”

Then a beautiful thought hit me.

My stuff does not define me. Even my husband and daughter don’t define me. My job never defined me. My home doesn’t define me.

Jesus defines me. JESUS.

I’m grateful that in the midst of this chaos and confusion, the lostness I feel, there is a constant that will go with me wherever I go. So yes, I may be changing a lot of things and choosing what pretty mugs I need to take for my coffee, but at the core of who I am and what I’m doing right now, I’m still me, the person who God created. And that’s a pretty comforting thing right now.